If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
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A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃