Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.

I only need one finger to get my point across.

If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

Oh no

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.

Him: Make a will?

Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you

They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside

journal

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

[adds another nod to the conversation]

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd