‘If cicadas are allowed to sit in the goddamned trees and scream then so should I.’

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My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”NurseMurderer”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3044853347/69f7663f88d6947ff943382bbdf849b0_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350420592463319042″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”30″;s:5:”tweet”;s:22:”You can’t rush stupid.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg


I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.


Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.


If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.


MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!

M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.


[test driving car with car salesman]
*parks on make out hill*


Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?