@SugarMagicSpice

‘If cicadas are allowed to sit in the goddamned trees and scream then so should I.’

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@zachreinert03

My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”NurseMurderer”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3044853347/69f7663f88d6947ff943382bbdf849b0_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350420592463319042″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”30″;s:5:”tweet”;s:22:”You can’t rush stupid.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@KyleMcDowell86

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

@chrisanna4real

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

@BlotterMonkey

Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.

@carlyken

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

@JustDontBugMe

MIL: You’re going to give me a heart attack someday!

M: Last time I checked you didn’t even have a heart.

@utofellatio

[test driving car with car salesman]
*parks on make out hill*

@BrickStoneNews

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?