@dumbbeezie

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

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@TheBoydP

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

@carlyken

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

@NicestHippo

“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”

Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer

@Reverend_Scott

GOD: I call those trees and plants

ANGEL: very beautiful

GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them

ANGEL: dude who hurt you

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left

Me: oh no

Doctor: my next appointment is here

Me: ohhh jesus I thought

Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will

@TheAlexNevil

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

@TheCiscoKidder

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

@TheHoyBoy_

When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors