when she says she wants a “well-balanced man”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“Can you explain this Gap in your work history?”
Yes that’s when I worked for the popular clothing retailer
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix