If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
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The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.