It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…
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You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake…
complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Russian nesting dolls are so full of themselves.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.