Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…
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I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn’t tweeted in a year. They’ll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Me: I’m in a really good mood, what a great time for somebody to ask me for a favour.
Them: Oh, I was hoping you could help me-
Me: *smiling* Absolutely not
Them: But you said it was a good time to ask.
Me: *still smiling* Yeah, look at how unbothered I am.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Relationship tip: every night text yourself “Good morning love!” & turn off your phone real quick to wake up with a good morning text.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?