If “Cops” has taught me anything it’s to stay away from people with blurry faces, they’re nothing but trouble…

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It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.


complaining about your wife’s stories will result in having to sit through her story about the time you complained about her stories


SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.


If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.


The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat


“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.


Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.