If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
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Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
sensitive skin
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
My boss called in sick of me
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.