Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
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People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.