High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
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How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?
to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the “shout” song says “a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now”
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.
Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?
*pulls out pillow*
I have a question for you guys. After the door bell rings, how long do I have to wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any movement?
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
My kid says “absolutely” in every sentence. She never just “wears pants.” She’s “absolutely wearing pants.” She’s “absolutely eating cereal.” She “absolutely peed on the couch.”
The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.