@TheHatStore

If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

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@NicestHippo

[college ad]
High schoolers: You’ve sat in a chair for 4 years. How would you like to do that again, but this time at enormous cost to you?

@jamdugg

How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

@jonnysun

to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the “shout” song says “a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now”

@LosLos__

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I have a nap for dealing with conflict.

Intvr: Do you mean “knack”?

*pulls out pillow*

@MountainDouche

I have a question for you guys. After the door bell rings, how long do I have to wait to turn the TV volume back up and make any movement?

@SteveSuckington

I can’t figure out why my son hates me.

Tim hates you?

No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”

@Jake_Vig

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

@dadthatwrites

My kid says “absolutely” in every sentence. She never just “wears pants.” She’s “absolutely wearing pants.” She’s “absolutely eating cereal.” She “absolutely peed on the couch.”

@TheTweetOfGod

The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.