We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.
~ The Disclaimers.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
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If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.
My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ