@AnOrangeSNES

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

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@ojedge

We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.

~ The Disclaimers.

@jenlaw_11

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

@jordan_stratton

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

@SteveSuckington

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

@ericsshadow

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

@LionJenkins

Friendly advice: Don’t compare your girlfriend to an avocado. Even if she IS the good kind of fat.

@sickipediabot

My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

@aguywithnolife

searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do

@ArfMeasures

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ