If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

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You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.


Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all


When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.


Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend’s annoying snoring doesn’t make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..


when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something


6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*


If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.