@_definitlymaybe

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

@david8hughes

Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all

@JoleenDoreen

When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.

@munkayc

Bought cheap helium gas. Now boyfriend’s annoying snoring doesn’t make me want to kill him, but my fear of clowns has tripled..

@ramenfuneral

when i was a kid, i thought getting arrested for shoplifting meant getting in trouble for trying to carry a store like popeye or something

@KMoFlo_official

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

@Parentpains

If you ever hear me say that I missed you it’s only because I have bad aim.