@samdunsiger

If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.

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@BYGH

I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.

@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.

@CatsVsHumanity

I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…

Bladder: better hurry up!

Back: woah, no sudden movements!

Foot: CRAMP!

Head: ouch, did we drink last night?

Neck: CRAMP!

Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!

Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…

@BrainPornNinja

If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness

@JediGigi

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

@MoneypennyNaked

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

@KyleMcDowell86

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

@daemonic3

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.