It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Walter White should get a monument & every healthcare exec should receive the sentence for his crimes. They made him.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!