I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
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Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I needed a laugh this morning.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.