If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too