*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.
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The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Depression is an evolutionary adaptation, predators can’t eat you if you don’t leave your house