@AGreaterMonster

If cupcakes could talk, boy, there sure would be a lot of screaming in my house.

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@Browtweaten

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

@IamJackBoot

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

@MeatloafComedy

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

@kevnasto

My mom just learned how to text. And her text to me said “can you hear me?”

@junejuly12

Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry

@FredTaming

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

@InternetHippo

Depression is an evolutionary adaptation, predators can’t eat you if you don’t leave your house