“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
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If the vaccine contains a chip, I hope it’s salt and vinegar.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
If your name is π, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling “3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286…” you’re about to get in some trouble.
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town