@Reverend_Scott
@Book_Krazy
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
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@Book_Krazy
@alexa_miles
If the vaccine contains a chip, I hope it’s salt and vinegar.
@lawyerthoughts
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
@LuvPug
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
@fillthevacuum
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
@thenatewolf
If your name is π, and your mom is standing at the top of the stairs yelling “3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286…” you’re about to get in some trouble.
@BeeeejEsq
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
@KeetPotato
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
@aotakeo
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town