If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.
You Might Also Like
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.
Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
When I take pictures of cheese I yell “SAY HUMANS!” and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.