when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
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*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Match dot com, but for socks.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”