@OhReallyRach

If cupids didnt have wings, theyd just be fat little baby assassins with crossbows.

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@LitSpud

[robbing a bank]

accomplice: nice pantyhose

me: thanks

accomplice: on your face next time tho ok

@MartaEffing

I hug my Uber driver at the airport so people will think I have a family that loves me.

@karentozzi

Welcome to middle age, here’s your card. You’ll now have a favorite local weatherman and your elbows will never be pointy again.

@thedailymarker

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

@Mikecanrant

When I take pictures of cheese I yell “SAY HUMANS!” and me and the cheese laugh and laugh and then I binge eat and cry.

@EndhooS

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

@AmandaRNH

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.