When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
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I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.