If Daryl doesn’t get laid this season, I’m gonna have to say that this documentary is fake.


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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.


As it turns out you cannot recharge your cell plugging it in to an electric eel. I’m just glad this aquarium had a paramedic on duty.


Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.


I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.


Presidents Day was created by big corporations to get you to buy more presidents.


Nothing like going out to a crowded place to remind yourself why you never ever go to crowded places and also a lot of people smell bad and WHY ARE YOU STANDING SO CLOSE THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO BE TOUCHING ME THIS LINE ISN’T GONNA MOVE FASTER IF YOU’RE PRESSED AGAINST ME!!!


[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ?? murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone