If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
choose your gary
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs