If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Krampus.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.