Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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“Donatello” ~ Italian man telling me to keep a secret
Weird, my coworker has bragged all day about his pending vacation and now his headlights have kicked themselves in.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be?
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Co-worker had a meltdown over someone having a b-day cake. Said since she has no willpower, stop bringing cake in. Tonight, baking cookies.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.