If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
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is this how new cars are made??
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Important
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I get distracted pretty eas
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”