@KimmyMonte

If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”

@T_Bonezzz_

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

@pilau

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

@TySmithdrums

I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it

@OrvllShrednbchr

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

@juliussharpe

A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they’re like, “Why are you showing me photos? I’m a dog.”

@sock_holliday

YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud

@LaurenRP

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.