If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.

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Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”


The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it


Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.


I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I’m speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn’t know who did it


Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.


A new study shows dogs recognize pictures of their owners. Also, they’re like, “Why are you showing me photos? I’m a dog.”


YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud


I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.