If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

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*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you


No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.


As I get closer to 30 I start to worry about more big picture things like famine and over population in my apartment


Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?


Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.


[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?

me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no


Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that


You ever notice Waldo is always smiling in the books?
That’s cause no one knows where he is and he’s happy as hell.