@1CleverGirl1

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

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@Aikiwomannc

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

@ElgatoEsmio

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

@curlymalloy

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

@WhaJoTalkinBout

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

@dave_cactus

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

@gylertagan

[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!

@LurkAtHomeMom

Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?

@Chumpstring

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

@batkaren

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?