*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
As I get closer to 30 I start to worry about more big picture things like famine and over population in my apartment
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
[james bond breaks into my evil lair]
bond : let me guess… you’ve been expecting me?
me [naked, eating an ice cream] : would you believe it, no
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
You ever notice Waldo is always smiling in the books?
That’s cause no one knows where he is and he’s happy as hell.