If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
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Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Why would I want to fund a crowd?