If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

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[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm


“Mom! Mom! Hold this cockroach while I grab the lizard!”

–Things I honestly never imagined I’d hear as a parent


I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?


I’ve started seeing a therapist, but my mom says that’s part of my hallucinations


[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*


Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…


“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs


Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.