If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
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[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I wish I could veto my bills.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.