If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

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A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”


Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.


Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet


To show off my “Downton Abbey etiquette” at the gym, I don’t throw punches at the punching bag. I just say something witty and cruel to it.


Trump: Can I get past
Biden: What’s the password
Trump: I don’t know
Biden: Losers says what
Trump: What
Obama: JOE


I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.


Walmart greeter smiled at me. Long story short, the weddings Friday.

Everyone’s invited.

Except Harold. HE said I’d NEVER find true love.


Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am