@weinerdog4life

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

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@P_o_n_k

BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT

@dinnersruined

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

@Aikiwomannc

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

@Gen22

Are you busy?

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Nah

@trumpetcake

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

@markydoodoo

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

@UnFitz

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

@CopernicusG

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

@tastefactory

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.