BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.
BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.
BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
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How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Are you busy?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.