If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
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[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
“The Perfect Relationship”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen