If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
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Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Siri: Retweet me.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I have so many questions.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.