“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
You Might Also Like
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Art by Pastelkatto
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”