If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him