If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
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People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
🥶🥶🐶🐶
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.