If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.

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Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one


[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would


If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.


Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story


[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*


– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.


Negative effects of smoking Marijuana.

1. You now have less marijuana.


My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.


I see the ‘pet rocks’ are back and fighting too!

*Rolls in 6ft diameter granite boulder*

*Folds arms, taps foot*