@DomComedy

If Dumbledore did a ‘Cribs’ episode for Hogwarts, he’d be like “and this is where the magic happens” in every room.

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@fillthevacuum

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

@robwhisman

[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would

@Social_Mime

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

@justokpanda

[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*

@SamuelHLowe

– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.

@okaatta

Negative effects of smoking Marijuana.

1. You now have less marijuana.

@Quartzjixler

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.

The human race is doomed.

@Knob_ish

I see the ‘pet rocks’ are back and fighting too!

*Rolls in 6ft diameter granite boulder*

*Folds arms, taps foot*