My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
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*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.