Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
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And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”