if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
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I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
💯😂
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.