@chrissyteigen

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

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@SimplySnaccbar

Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?

Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN

@GFGander

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”

@benicus_rex

actually these are my therapy bees i’m allowed to take them on the bus with me

@decentbirthday

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

@ImNotThatJohn

Coconut oil on my dry skin this winter has made me attractive to women. Problem is the chocolate from the Mounds bars is ruining my clothes.

@karanbirtinna

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

@mommajessiec

Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!

@amishschool

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

@threetimedaddy

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too