If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
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Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.