If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
You Might Also Like
was Jim off killing horses or…
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I gave up going to work for lent.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats