@dorsalstream

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

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@behindyourback

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

@PinkCamoTO

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

@jonnysun

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

@IndecisiveJones

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

@junejuly12

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

@Darlainky

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

@_MStJohn

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

@bossy_bootz

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it