even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
your elf on the shelf was delicious
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.