If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom