I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
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I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.