If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.