If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
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Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
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I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated