@TheHomieJesus
@Prof_Hinkley
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
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@Prof_Hinkley
@Sarcasmo718
I’d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.
@alispagnola
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
@UGotMeRight
The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.
@blade_funner
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
@koalaslament
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
@KalvinMacleod
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
@SlimSinclair
*enters rap battle but only gives compliments
Killing with kindness
Got MCs droppin like flies/
I like your shirt, it brings out your eyes
@XplodingUnicorn
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
@_Sal_Paradise_
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*