@TheHomieJesus

If Europe uses euros shouldn’t Africa use Afros?

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@Prof_Hinkley

I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable

@Sarcasmo718

I’d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

@alispagnola

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

@UGotMeRight

The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.

@blade_funner

[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?

@KalvinMacleod

PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.

@SlimSinclair

*enters rap battle but only gives compliments

Killing with kindness

Got MCs droppin like flies/
I like your shirt, it brings out your eyes

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*