[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Hello, my name is Pierre.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
My last name is Zilla.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
What
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.