If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

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The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.


[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin


[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them


Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.


Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.


Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.


If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.


to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked