If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there