exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
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Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.