If ever you’re feeling down, and I can’t be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch.

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Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.



INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?



BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU

ME: [wakes up] finally


ME: let’s do this

BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it

ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour

BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]


No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.


Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?


Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck


How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?


I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.