If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
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I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Seek kebab; not attention
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Leaving the Barbers like
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
The prophecy is fulfilled
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.