If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
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Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you