If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
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LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”