If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*