i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
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If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Found my door mat
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
I see your IQ test came back negative
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.