Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
My wedding will be open casket.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD